horsin' around : we are so back, shoutout to ketamine

my year of realizing things a la that 2016 kylie jenner quote that she was totally right about btw

Doomscrolling may have positively changed my life. This past Wednesday marks a month since the government started paying for my treatments with the horse tranquilizer & party drug ketamine…okay I’m slightly fibbing it’s actually esketamine which is somehow different molecularly but not really. While lying in bed miserable with my third cold of the winter an ad for Spravato came across my Instagram feed; the spokeswoman enticed me with the promise of full Medicaid coverage and almost guaranteed relief from Treatment Resistant Depression. I have a theory that I’ve been super susceptible to viruses this winter due to finally diving into somatic trauma work but my therapist does not seem to be fully convinced of this. Luckily for me or maybe scarily considering the data collection, I had an appointment with my pill doctor the next day, kismet. I nonchalantly brought up giving it a go at the end of my check in, my optimization-loving psychiatrist enthusiastically encouraged me to find a clinic to pursue it. Validated, I visited the Johnson and Johnson branded site and after being rejected by a few different boutique experiential-focused offices, I found a semipopular urgent care chain looking for an easy cashgrab that took my insurance.

Twice a week I fill out a PHQ-9 survey with the intensity of my symptoms on a scale of one to five. I am then led to a patient room with a recliner for two hours of observation armed with a Ringpop, my oversized leopard print coat and my ‘Spravato Binaural Healing’ playlist. My blood pressure & pulse is taken at timed increments; right before the first of my three nasal spray devices, forty minutes in at peak intensity and once more towards the end of my session. The government isn’t paying for me to trip balls by the way, it just so happens to be a pleasant side effect. The drug gives me tiny neuroplastic brain surgery repairing my frazzled neural pathways with stronger ones via glutamate. Glutamate is the most abundant neurotransmitter we have, key to memory, reaction time and learning, cool stuff but very overwhelming when realizing how deep in the trenches I’ve been or how some of my interpersonal relationships are filled with subtext I didn’t have the capacity to fully process before.

But I’m HAPPY, I have motivation and ambition and confidence in myself again. I’ve been bursting into bouts of joyful tears of gratitude while waiting on the subway platform, grocery shopping, and scrolling through photos after a night out with my friends. I feel light despite everything happening in the world and I dare a motherfucker to try to rain on my parade.

I present to you a nonconclusive list of things that have made me appreciate life:

• Men Struggling

  Instagram account @shyoffffline recites a passage from Pride and Prejudice “until failure” for his Onlyfans while in a plank position. He plays up his exerted breathing and when his hips inevitably dip down towards his yoga mat it resembles the missionary sex position.

  I watched Pride and Prejudice for the first time last year at Village East Angelika¹ and it was everything I never knew I needed. I wasn’t big into romance growing up, realizing during my freshmen AP English class that Romeo was in full limerence with rebound Juliet after being rejected by an aspiring nun. Atonement & Blue Valentine further supported my thesis that love was nothing but

  a star-crossed beautiful gut wrenching tragedy. But watching a man be repeatedly put in his place and him actually improving himself to meet his love interest’s standards?? FUCK, that is so hot and healthy! I’m reclaiming the performative man. Men should be performative to get my attention, men should yearn to win my affection and they should keep performing those acts of devotion forever. Let men cater to the female gaze. All the world’s a stage and I’m officially in my top era. I give secondary recognition to Challengers in this discovery.

• Love Spell ‘ fragrance mist’

  Yes, everything is evil. Yes, I’m aware Victoria’s Secret has ties to those files and that they were splashing bejeweled PINK logos across our collective butts as tweens. My somehow both neglectful & overbearing mother was not fucking with that however, and I hate to give it to her but she wasn’t wrong.

  A couple years back, I walked past a Gen Z coworker at the “bodyrub” spot we worked at and was olfactorily slapped back into middle school locker room days — funny, there was also that same slightly competitive camaraderie. It was a simpler time for perfumeheads, body splash was in and it was okay to smell cheap and fun. Huge thank you to my neighborhood beauty supply store for stocking a four dollar roll-on dupe that those noses not in the know have described as a cherry scent.

• Loosies

  My bodega has a choice of American Spirits, Marlboro Reds or Newports. I’m spoiled. I don’t fully understand my relationship to cigarettes at the moment and I’m okay with that.

• Britney Spears’ Ballads

• Wired Apple brand headphones

  They’re just so worth the extra five bucks

• Bad Films

  A dimmed room playing films, movies, whatever you want to call them, is my safe space but I’ve been stuck in a four star rut. I can’t imagine pulling up a film on Letterboxd, seeing that it got three stars and actively pursuing it. In fact, it’s stopped me dead in my tracks on multiple occasions. But if I’m just trusting the hivemind’s rating, how can I even declare a four a four? I’ve been tuning into the Cathode Cinema site, which is curated on seemingly random nights every week, and it’s made it easy for me to knock out my paltry goal of four movies a month. There are some real cool absurd duds amongst the cult classics. They play old music videos, tv shows and phone sex ads between the feature length specials. I love curation! I love remaining present!

• Edibles

  I’ve basically quit smoking weed at this point and am drinking a lot less than I used to but still love a sativa edible.

• My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Otessa Moshfegh:

  As I kick off the end of my multi-year long rejection of the civilian world, I find comfort in the hot mess coping skills of unlikable women protagonists. I’ve been called an anti-hero, careless, told I would be good on reality tv (derogatory) and have been on the receiving end of all other sorts of passive-aggressive digs over the years but at least I have depth! I love those outspoken complicated women with whom I relate a little too well with sometimes. It’s a very popular genre! Look it up on Goodreads: She’s not doing okay at all.

  I revived my 2017 Kindle Fire even though the glass is slightly shattered at the bottom right corner. I can’t figure out how to update the damn thing so I have to slide through the pages of my pirated PDF to find where I left off every night but we persist.

• Red Meat:

  The best burger spot in my neighborhood closed down in February. I could add caramelized onions, blue cheese, bacon and mushrooms to my medium rare burger for no extra charge. This is a horror solely matched by my gluten-free biscuit place shutting down four summers ago and only bringing their wheat laden beer with them.

• Erotica Over Porn

• Radio: I’ve downloaded several radio apps that allow me to listen to music from around the city, country and world. Current favorite web stations include a local House broadcast, Bulgarian Darkwave, Dollar Country and a Ukrainian Pop channel.

• Letting My Freak Flag Fly :

  We’re fighting fascism! Fuck Carolyn Besette Kennedy minimalism even though I’m actually very into Calvin Klein nineties minimalism. I’m growing out my hair for the first time in eight years and want to see how big my curly fro can get before I get bored or overwhelmed by it.

  Bleaching my brows allows me the petite mort satisfaction I lust after and makes me look like the ethereal freaky goddess I truly am.

  I’ve also brought back my signature 2020 eyeliner, three dots of liquid white on the bottom and a straight black wing. I do not upturn my cateye flick like a Millennial would because I am a Zillenial, thank you, holding onto my youth by the skin of my teeth. According to TikTok I have low visual facial weight and can’t wear a ton of makeup so playing up my eyes and lips is about as complicated as it ever gets on the daily. I worry about the white liner mimicking facial recognition but with everyone walking around the city in Meta glasses I’m not convinced that even full dazzle would help matters anymore.

1. RIP: Angelika Saleh of the Angelika Film Center, my favorite theatres ever, died last week ninety years old - https://www.chelseanewsny.com/news/angelika-saleh-co-founder-of-beloved-theatre-dies-at-90-XC5664145